But now I have a new neighbor and every other day she thinks that 3am is a great time to wash a load of zippers, nickels and drill bits, which is always followed by the drying of what sounds like belt buckles, spark plugs and old bike peddles. Dan Soder Crushes never end in a romantic, loving, trusting relationship. Greg Barris My dad is getting creepier in his old age. That is the equivalent of doing a drive-by on a unicycle. One is “29-Year-Old Grandmas,” and the other is “I’m 8 and Late.” Hank Azaria That Tim Tebow sure is something special. I refuse to lie because it just perpetuates double standards. The problem with Shakespeare was always the writing.
I called him when I was walking to lunch in the summer in New York. There’s all these cute girls walking around in short skirts all the time.” And my dad said, “Yeah, and sometimes the wind blows just right.” Piotr Michael Tweeting is so much more fun when you actually hear birds tweeting outside — on their smartphones. He has all the fiery leadership of Ray Lewis combined with the throwing ability of . Dan Curry February is Black History Month, March is Women’s History Month, and April is National Poetry Month, so May must be Leave Maya Angelou The F – – k Alone Month. I fantasize that the cops will stop pulling me over. And flip through the images of the dresses and think, “I wonder what it would feel like to be inside one of those?
Bobby Collins I was getting on a plane in West Palm Beach.
You know when you get on a plane there’s usually one or two wheelchairs for the elderly? There were more Jews on my plane than in “Ben Hur.” The tower was in the shape of a Walker. And the movie was “Yentl.” Glenn Wool The American government buried Osama bin Laden at sea because they didn’t want his grave to become a shrine.
To the ’70s — so I could see a good Woody Allen movie. If I ever had to date again I wouldn’t ask the guys what kind of music they listen to or what their favorite movie is. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money in my account and you’re telling them no?
” Erin Gibson We should punish first-time drug offenders by cc’ing them on an e-mail where seven women try to figure out when they should have dinner.
Wouldn’t that have been a wonderful way to catch other terrorists? Geoff Keith My 7-year old brother asked me where money comes from.
Tammy Pescatelli Chris Brown’s girlfriend hired bodyguards to protect her from Rihanna’s crazed fans. Like, my sister married this guy, and now I have to call him my brother. I said, “The US Treasury has printing presses that print out sheets and sheets of money.” He looked at me very serious and said, “We need to get our hands on one of those machines.” Aaron Karo I hang all of my friends “Save the Dates” on the fridge — the way parents hang their kids’ ridiculous glitter and macaroni concoctions.
This hasn’t been a big deal as long as people are washing human laundry. The old sports adage summed up competition as “The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.” Now we cover “the glory of participation.” Beth Hoyt If what they say is true, that gum should be out of my system by now. Gina Yashere How are these Somalian Pirates kidnapping cruise ships and tankers when they’re in a canoe? Jill Twiss I like my martinis like Ilike my babies. Heather Mc Donald Teen pregnancy is so in right now, and I’ll admit I am excited for Mtv’s new shows coming up. April Macie Women always lie about the number of partners they’ve had. ” Ritch Duncan Just saw an ad for an “Improvised Shakespeare Company.” Good idea.
Sarah Colonna There’s a new study that says women are having orgasms at the gym. Steve Rosenthal Just once, I’d like to close a job interview with, “Sounds dangerous.
Count me in.” Peggy O’Brien Not only am I getting better at Tetris, but I’m loading more dishes into my dishwasher than I ever thought possible.
Just in time for April Fool’s Day, here are our favorites. I’m not saying the captain has to go down with the ship — but at least get wet! Dane Cook I Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. With me, you’re guaranteed 500 more because of the walk home.
Joel Mc Hale “Jersey Shore” is a bigger disservice to Italian-Americans than the Mafia and the Olive Garden combined. Craig Baldo I bought a step ladder today, brought it home and immediately shouted at it, “You’re not my real ladder!